Count your blessings each day

I am grateful to God for everything that he has provided now and in the past. I am thankful for a warm, cozy, comfortable home to live in.I am grateful for a supportive and understanding husband, who loves me despite my limitations..I am thankful to have raised a very good daughter that I am very proud of.I am extremely grateful for the continued health of my family. I am thankful that I am the one afflicted, rather than my loved ones. If I could choose to keep my family safe and well by me having this illness...I would gladly accept my pain everyday.I am grateful to live in a country where my freedom is not oppressed...where I can come and go as I please...where I can worship the Lord my Savior without persecution. I am thankful for the medications and various devices such as heating pads, hand massagers, pillows and so on, that help me each day to be more comfortable and endure this illness.I am grateful that winter is ceasing and spring is arriving. Winter is always the worse time for this illness.I am thankful that I have the comfort of the Lord each day and the knowledge of his promises according to his word, the Holy Bible.I am grateful for the internet. Although, I can't get out often, it helps me stay connected socially. I can give support and receive support. Of so many things that the internet helps me with, It gives me a way to get all my shopping done including buying and ordering groceries. I can continue to obtain knowledge about my illness...Knowledge is Power. I am thankful that I no longer have to struggle each day making it to work one day at a time. I no longer have to worry about getting fired for missing so much work. Without worry, I can now schedule my day according to how good or bad I feel. I feel more in control.I am thankful for this beautiful day today and that every day is an opportunity for a fresh start. I don't have to wait until a new year to make resolutions. I can do it everyday.I have much more to be thankful for, but it would require thousands of hours to document each blessing. I must try to inventory the things that I am grateful for each day.

Warm Regards to All,

Paula

Haven't been on the blog for several days. I have just been very busy trying to do things around the house. Because of my fibromyalgia, there are many days that I can't attend to household tasks. The pain and fatigue hinder my efforts to work around the house on a regular basis. It is worse during the winter. The past few days have been fairly good, so I have been taking advantage of the opportunity to catch up on things at home. I say catch up, but it almost looks impossible to catch up. Things accummulated over the many weeks that we can't do a lot. Those of us with fibromyalgia have to make the best of our good days, as they are few and far between.

I was writing about death the other day and said that I would share some things that I have experienced with death of loved ones. Today, I wanted to write about one of the losses that I will talk about the next few days. It was the loss of my young husband of 28. I was 22 years old with a 9 month old daughter when he died. It's sometimes so hard to understand and deal with the loss of our loved ones through death. We feel lost, angry, hopeless and helpless. I know this feeling very well. My husband died of a brain aneurysm suddenly. We both worked together. He went to work and passed out on the floor. When he was rushed to the emergency room, he was found to be brain dead. Just like that...like Natasha Richardson. Only the cause of his internal brain hemorraging was not a fall. It was a blot clot that had been in his head as a misconfigured blood vein since birth. The day he died, it exploded and flooded his brain. The result brain dead. No hope for him. Just like that within the blink of an eye. 17 hours after he passed out, he died.

It was heartbreaking when Mike died. When he passed, it crushed me on the inside beyond anything that I had ever known...beyond anything that I can even describe fully. After his death and as a result of intense grief, my personality changed dramatically. There were people that didn't think I loved my husband because of my change of lifestyle after his death. It was quite the opposite. Although it has been almost 30 years, I remember like it was yesterday screaming and collapsing at the hospital, when I was told Mike was going to die. I loved him with all my heart and didn't even want to live any more when he died. But, I knew I had to go on for my children.

When Mike died, I wasn't much of a drinker. After his death, I started staying out every night drinking to dull the pain. I couldn't stand the pain...I couldn't sleep...I didn't want to face the despair, so I numbed myself with alcohol. Before Mike passed, I was not a promiscuous person nor approved of that type of behavior. But when Mike died, I felt like I died. I lost my way. I was so utterly lonely and I kept trying to fill my loneliness with many superficial relationships. I couldn't stand the loneliness, so I was always looking for someone to fill that void that Mike's passing left in me. I didn't like not being married. Pardon the old cliche, but it fits very well. I was looking for love in all the wrong places... I couldn't see clearly enough to know it at the time. When I look back on that time, I despise my own behavior. The Christian Rock Band, DC Talk has a song with the words, "I despise my own behavior". When I first wrote that I despise my own behavior, I wasn't even thinking of the song. It was just something that sprang forth in my heart when looking back. I turned to worldly things to help give me comfort, when I should have been turning to Christ. If I could do it all over again, I would erase my mistakes. Problem is that I can't. Reminders of it ended up making me a better mother and a better human being later. God can turn our worst sins and mistakes to work for good...whether it be a help to others in times of trouble by sharing or making us become a better person. I only pray that he continues to use my dark times for both.

When my husband died, my behavior didn't appear to others to be that of a grieving widow. Everyone handles grief differently...how I handled it wasn't the right way. It's just that I didn't know how to cope. Having very little family support and my lack of faith in God at the time, I didn't know how to handle it such a traumatic even. In retrospect, I wish that I would have reached out more for help...I wish that I would have turned to God during that time, but I didn't..... It took me many more years of heartache and pain, before I was ready to turn my life over to Christ. When I became broken enough and unable to continue on my own, I then cried out to the Lord for help. God was there for me. He guided me to Church and guided me to begin reading my Bible. I began to feel peace for the first time in my life. His word breathed life into my troubled soul. (Psalms 12:6 The words of the LORD are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times., Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord., Peter 1:25 25But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you., I believe the Bible to wholly be the word of God without error. (Psalms 18:30 As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him., Isaiah 40:8 The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.) According to his world, he has forgiven me and washed me clean of my sins. Sometimes, I have a hard time forgiving myself, but he has forgiven me. He will forgive anyone who asks for forgiveness. He that believes in Christ with all their heart will be saved. (Acts 2:21 And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.) That means a life in heaven. (Philippians 3:20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ) That means reunion with our loved ones. Death is not permanant. (2 Corinthians 5:8 "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.") Death is only temporary. Problem is that when you are on earth, it sometimes feels permanant. Even those of us as believers lose sight of that. I will be the first to confess that I often lose sight of that.

Will continue soon....

Precious Life

Yesterday, many of us heard on the news about the death of Natasha Richardson. As you know she slipped as she was on a bunny ski slope, while enjoying vacation time with her children. The reports are, she was not skiing at the time, nor doing anything else reckless but just happened to slip and fall. When she was picked up from her fall, she was talking and said she felt fine. So fine, that she turned down an ambulance and medical assistance. We don't know had she accepted that assistance, if the outcome would be different. What's done is done. Whatever the results, we as Christians know that it was God's will. God calls each of us when it is our time. There is nothing that we can do to avoid the fact that we will be called as our Lord ordains. We can only prepare to be ready to meet him, when he calls. We can only hope that Natasha was prepared. We can pray for her family.

Christian or non-Christian, most of us like to think of the inevitable regarding ourselves or our loved ones. Although we know with out a doubt that if we are a true believer in Jesus Christ....we have much joy and peace to look forward for all eternity in Heaven. (John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?". John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.) Even the strongest of believers can not even imagine the fullness of beauty and love that is ahead of us with our Father in Heaven. Life can sometimes be so wretched. This world is filled with so much evil and heartache. On earth we are fearful of the future and of our neighbors. We often don't know who to trust, as we do not know truly the hearts of those in this world. Often we have a good idea, which can be attributed to the good fruit that comes out of a person. But there are occasions where we are blind. We cling to this life for our precious loved ones, or for everything we love. In spite of all that is bad, we see the good things and still have hope. On a whole, we don't want to leave the people or things we love behind. (Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.)

The death of Natasha Richardson was tragic and freak in nature. It sent chills up my spine to hear of the events that led up to her death. As many of you can attest, we have accidents all the time. Many of our previous accidents could have resulted in our own untimely deaths...given the right circumstances and if and only if God determined to bring us home. For myself, I fall and hit my head once are twice a year. I try to be more careful, but sometimes we are careless or through circumstances we can't avoid an accident. Last winter, I was walking out to my mail box to check my mail. Walking down the driveway through snow and icy patches, I slipped on an icy patch. Both of my feet went straight out in front of me and I landed flat on my back. I also hit my head very hard. So hard, that I had a knot and a headache most of the day. For a couple of hours after it happened, I was very frightened by the incident. This year, I bought a pair of ice and snow grips to put on the bottom of my shoes when I go out. By the way, they work wonders for traction while walking across icy patches. Back to Natasha, when I heard of her death, I immediately thought back to that instance. I thanked the Lord at the time that I hit my head. But, I thanked him once again for protecting me and giving me more time. I can only hope to be worthy of any time that I have. I often do not feel worthy and I know that I don't make the best use of the time God has given me. I can only pray for him to help me each day. At this point, I am not capable of anything more than day to day, as I am weak. God does not expect me to be strong on my own. It is only through his help and guidance. Jesus also tells us in the Bible to live each day and not think about tommorrow. (Living day by day and worry: Matthew 6:25-27 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Matthew 6:24 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Help from the Lord: Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light)

There is much more that I would like to add, but I am going to save it for tommorrow. Much more that I want to say from personal and experience about the suddeness of death and dying. Until tommorrow.....

Love in Christ Jesus,

Paula

Spring is a time for renewal

Hi There...

Spring is upon us and Winter winding down. Time for a fresh start. Time to let go of the old hurts, the old regrets, and the old bad habits. It is a time for renewal. During winter some of us feel dead in spirit with winter's bleakness all around. Underneath, the surface though the roots are deep and strong, just like the seeming dead trees and flowers all around. The roots are holding on.... Holding on for spring, when new life will come again. When the dead comes brillantly alive again. That is my hope for every spring.

To Every Thing There is a Season according to Ecclesiastes 3:To everything there is a season,and a time to every purpose under the heaven:A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones,and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;A time to get, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate;a time of war, and a time of peace.Ecclesiastes 3:1-8I know many people think that the Byrds came up with those timeless words, but they are much more ancient than the Byrds. Words from the Holy Bible.

My life has often been a life of hell, and sometimes I would never have made it throug. Had it not been for words like the passage in Ecclesiasttes and many others, that speak to my spirit...that comfort and encourage me through times of trouble...strengthen me to get through one more day on my darkest days. When I mentioned, my life has been hell, it's not totally true. There have been many, many dark days, storm, and struggles. Along the way, there have been bursts of joy, exhilaration, and bliss. The dark days help me to appreciate the good times so much more. What kind of boredom would we have if it were all joy. It sounds idyllic to have all joy, but how would we recognize the good without the bad. How would we appreciate the good without the bad. How would we cope if it were always good and then we had bad. We would have developed no strength or coping mechanism to get us through. How could we develop strength with which to endure, if we had no practice.

If it were always good and then we had one bout of the worst, it would crush us to our very core and we may not have the strength to go on. As with exercise, you must practice build up resistance and endurance, in order to be strong.Right now, I am in one of my episodes of being in a storm for most of the time over the past few years. I have felt an inner strength building that only God can give. I feel he is giving me direction and I feel the storm lessening.

Over the past 6 years: I lost a co-worker/friend to suicide, lost a child to suicide, lost my adoptive mother to old age and infirmaty, lost an adoptive brother to brain cancer, lost livelihood for making a living with a good paying job, due to stress, illness and depression. Tried to make it with a business for 3 years, went bankrupt and after 2 attempts finally closed the doors and liquidated assets. divorced my unsupportive, emotionally abusive husband after 20 years, picked up and moved from Texas to Illinois, after my divorce and loss of business. Re-married and tried to reenter the workplace only to fail due to continued and increased illness: major depression, dysphagia--major gastro disorders, painful arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatique, seasonal affective disorder.

I became disabled, and had to stop working altogether. I couldn't go back to work even part time because of all the above. I was turned down by Metlife disability after appeal for NOT being disabled...according to their staff doctors that never met me or spoke with me...disregarding information from multiple doctors...then denying me rights to any future appeals. I can't even fight Metlife unless I could come up with over $5,000 for an attorney. Athough, I diligently paid my dues for years through the social security system, I am having to fight social security right now with an attorney after they denied benefits. Social Security had multiple doctors supporting my disability, with not just one illness, but many chronic conditions. They sent me to their own independent doctor, who gave me an evaluation and supported my claim. When they received supporting information, they still denied the claim based on one quack Neurologist out of 8 other doctors. I had seen him one time for an evaluation. He refused the EMG test that I was seeing him for...due to cost...like it was going to come out of his pocket. He didn't want the insurance to have to pay for the test...hmmm. I was to have a follow-up with another Neuro, but didn't even get the chance because Social Security jumped on the fact that he didn't know anything about me and had performed to valid tests to substantiate my disability. Based on what he didn't do, the quack said he thought I could work. I was seeing him to get an EMG for a shoulder impingement that I have that has been present and getting worse every day, stemming from neck surgery in 2001. Social Security denied the claim for this one reason and didn't even comment on the 7 or so other reasons that I am disabled...and NEVER considered the doctor they use. He supported me, so his opinion was not relevant. You can bet they would have considered his finding had he supported their desire to deny my claim.

Because of all this drama, my husband has had to max out his credit cards and we are on the verge of bankruptcy. It might be close to a year before, I will get my retro benefits. On top of it all, I am suing my former employer for harrassment and lack of accommodation while I was working as a disabled American. I had to file EEOC charges against them because of the discrimination. While I was out on doctor leave, I was retro terminated when Metlife denied my claim for disability. My employer fired me end of May and sent me out a letter in May to indicate I was terminated end of March... They retro terminated my benefits as well. All my doctors bills were subsequently unable to be paid under insurance for 2 months that I was paying for them. They retro-terminated my health insurance, gave me a refund for my employee portion, and turned around and billed me an enormous amount via Cobra that I could not pay.

Fortunately, my husband worked for the same company and was able to retro my on his insurance plan. It has been total hell.... The thing about it is, I was one of the lucky ones. So many people have is so much worse. I think about people in my condition that have no husband or other source of income to help through until this type of thing is resolved. Many don't have the insurance to fall back on. If I had been single or my husband had been with a different company, I would have been liable for all those insurance bills that they wouldn't pay after the fact. I may not have been able to see doctors for my treatment or get my prescriptions that I so badly need filled. I am one of the lucky ones......

We became default in every credit card bill we had and ruined my husband's pristine credit, but credit can be rebuilt. The priority is keeping a roof over our heads, utilities on, and food on the table. All the above is just to highlight the storms and stress of the past few years. I have had many more storms than these since I have come into existance. We came very close to losing our house. We became default in our payments for many months. With much prayer and anguish, I am convinced that with God's help our mortgage was modified last month. We now have a fresh start this spring of 2009 with our home payments. In addition, in January 2009, I finally have been vindicated by a determination of disability and won my social security lawsuit before a judge.

Despite how bleak our outlook became during the worst times, God was always there and continued to provided for us. It may have been on a daily basis, but he was there. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34 - "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. We haven't lost our home and are not in danger. We became default in every credit card bill we had and ruined my husband's pristine credit, but credit can be rebuilt. The priority is keeping a roof over our heads, utilities on, and food on the table. All the above is just to highlight the storms and stress of the past few years. I have had many more storms than these since I have come into existance.

As I continute to write each day, I will talk about the turmoils and how I always got through by the grace of God. Many things that have transpired in the past have caused me to be a better person. Many things have caused me severe insecurities about myself. After 40 some odd years, I am still finding myself. I am still growing as a person. I am still believing in the future. I still believe God answers prayers and I believe everything happens for a reason. 2009 is going to be a wonderful year because God is in control and I am going to follow his lead. I am not going to give up and I urge you not to ever give up. We need to cry out to God for he always hears our prayers. Sometimes we don't like the answer, but as a loving father to us, the answer is always for our benefit. I often want to give up, but I will never, ever give up....and you should never give up. No matter how dark things become, my heart always knows that Jesus is with me.

There is always a new day. There is always a fresh start and there can always be a new beginning. 2009 is a new beginning for me and I hope it will be a new beginning for everyone. I have been beat down, but I will not be beat. With the strength of God, I will succeed and you will suceed. May my struggles encourage your own struggles and lift your spirit. Will be back to chat soon....Your fellow traveler on this life's road....