Hi There...
Spring is upon us and Winter winding down. Time for a fresh start. Time to let go of the old hurts, the old regrets, and the old bad habits. It is a time for renewal. During winter some of us feel dead in spirit with winter's bleakness all around. Underneath, the surface though the roots are deep and strong, just like the seeming dead trees and flowers all around. The roots are holding on.... Holding on for spring, when new life will come again. When the dead comes brillantly alive again. That is my hope for every spring.
To Every Thing There is a Season according to Ecclesiastes 3:To everything there is a season,and a time to every purpose under the heaven:A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones,and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;A time to get, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate;a time of war, and a time of peace.Ecclesiastes 3:1-8I know many people think that the Byrds came up with those timeless words, but they are much more ancient than the Byrds. Words from the Holy Bible.
My life has often been a life of hell, and sometimes I would never have made it throug. Had it not been for words like the passage in Ecclesiasttes and many others, that speak to my spirit...that comfort and encourage me through times of trouble...strengthen me to get through one more day on my darkest days. When I mentioned, my life has been hell, it's not totally true. There have been many, many dark days, storm, and struggles. Along the way, there have been bursts of joy, exhilaration, and bliss. The dark days help me to appreciate the good times so much more. What kind of boredom would we have if it were all joy. It sounds idyllic to have all joy, but how would we recognize the good without the bad. How would we appreciate the good without the bad. How would we cope if it were always good and then we had bad. We would have developed no strength or coping mechanism to get us through. How could we develop strength with which to endure, if we had no practice.
If it were always good and then we had one bout of the worst, it would crush us to our very core and we may not have the strength to go on. As with exercise, you must practice build up resistance and endurance, in order to be strong.Right now, I am in one of my episodes of being in a storm for most of the time over the past few years. I have felt an inner strength building that only God can give. I feel he is giving me direction and I feel the storm lessening.
Over the past 6 years: I lost a co-worker/friend to suicide, lost a child to suicide, lost my adoptive mother to old age and infirmaty, lost an adoptive brother to brain cancer, lost livelihood for making a living with a good paying job, due to stress, illness and depression. Tried to make it with a business for 3 years, went bankrupt and after 2 attempts finally closed the doors and liquidated assets. divorced my unsupportive, emotionally abusive husband after 20 years, picked up and moved from Texas to Illinois, after my divorce and loss of business. Re-married and tried to reenter the workplace only to fail due to continued and increased illness: major depression, dysphagia--major gastro disorders, painful arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatique, seasonal affective disorder.
I became disabled, and had to stop working altogether. I couldn't go back to work even part time because of all the above. I was turned down by Metlife disability after appeal for NOT being disabled...according to their staff doctors that never met me or spoke with me...disregarding information from multiple doctors...then denying me rights to any future appeals. I can't even fight Metlife unless I could come up with over $5,000 for an attorney. Athough, I diligently paid my dues for years through the social security system, I am having to fight social security right now with an attorney after they denied benefits. Social Security had multiple doctors supporting my disability, with not just one illness, but many chronic conditions. They sent me to their own independent doctor, who gave me an evaluation and supported my claim. When they received supporting information, they still denied the claim based on one quack Neurologist out of 8 other doctors. I had seen him one time for an evaluation. He refused the EMG test that I was seeing him for...due to cost...like it was going to come out of his pocket. He didn't want the insurance to have to pay for the test...hmmm. I was to have a follow-up with another Neuro, but didn't even get the chance because Social Security jumped on the fact that he didn't know anything about me and had performed to valid tests to substantiate my disability. Based on what he didn't do, the quack said he thought I could work. I was seeing him to get an EMG for a shoulder impingement that I have that has been present and getting worse every day, stemming from neck surgery in 2001. Social Security denied the claim for this one reason and didn't even comment on the 7 or so other reasons that I am disabled...and NEVER considered the doctor they use. He supported me, so his opinion was not relevant. You can bet they would have considered his finding had he supported their desire to deny my claim.
Because of all this drama, my husband has had to max out his credit cards and we are on the verge of bankruptcy. It might be close to a year before, I will get my retro benefits. On top of it all, I am suing my former employer for harrassment and lack of accommodation while I was working as a disabled American. I had to file EEOC charges against them because of the discrimination. While I was out on doctor leave, I was retro terminated when Metlife denied my claim for disability. My employer fired me end of May and sent me out a letter in May to indicate I was terminated end of March... They retro terminated my benefits as well. All my doctors bills were subsequently unable to be paid under insurance for 2 months that I was paying for them. They retro-terminated my health insurance, gave me a refund for my employee portion, and turned around and billed me an enormous amount via Cobra that I could not pay.
Fortunately, my husband worked for the same company and was able to retro my on his insurance plan. It has been total hell.... The thing about it is, I was one of the lucky ones. So many people have is so much worse. I think about people in my condition that have no husband or other source of income to help through until this type of thing is resolved. Many don't have the insurance to fall back on. If I had been single or my husband had been with a different company, I would have been liable for all those insurance bills that they wouldn't pay after the fact. I may not have been able to see doctors for my treatment or get my prescriptions that I so badly need filled. I am one of the lucky ones......
We became default in every credit card bill we had and ruined my husband's pristine credit, but credit can be rebuilt. The priority is keeping a roof over our heads, utilities on, and food on the table. All the above is just to highlight the storms and stress of the past few years. I have had many more storms than these since I have come into existance. We came very close to losing our house. We became default in our payments for many months. With much prayer and anguish, I am convinced that with God's help our mortgage was modified last month. We now have a fresh start this spring of 2009 with our home payments. In addition, in January 2009, I finally have been vindicated by a determination of disability and won my social security lawsuit before a judge.
Despite how bleak our outlook became during the worst times, God was always there and continued to provided for us. It may have been on a daily basis, but he was there. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34 - "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. We haven't lost our home and are not in danger. We became default in every credit card bill we had and ruined my husband's pristine credit, but credit can be rebuilt. The priority is keeping a roof over our heads, utilities on, and food on the table. All the above is just to highlight the storms and stress of the past few years. I have had many more storms than these since I have come into existance.
As I continute to write each day, I will talk about the turmoils and how I always got through by the grace of God. Many things that have transpired in the past have caused me to be a better person. Many things have caused me severe insecurities about myself. After 40 some odd years, I am still finding myself. I am still growing as a person. I am still believing in the future. I still believe God answers prayers and I believe everything happens for a reason. 2009 is going to be a wonderful year because God is in control and I am going to follow his lead. I am not going to give up and I urge you not to ever give up. We need to cry out to God for he always hears our prayers. Sometimes we don't like the answer, but as a loving father to us, the answer is always for our benefit. I often want to give up, but I will never, ever give up....and you should never give up. No matter how dark things become, my heart always knows that Jesus is with me.
There is always a new day. There is always a fresh start and there can always be a new beginning. 2009 is a new beginning for me and I hope it will be a new beginning for everyone. I have been beat down, but I will not be beat. With the strength of God, I will succeed and you will suceed. May my struggles encourage your own struggles and lift your spirit. Will be back to chat soon....Your fellow traveler on this life's road....
